As I grew, I was always being reminded that I was impatient. I’d lose interest quickly, become frustrated and emotional over something if I couldn’t get it right within the first three attempts. My emotional behaviour was dismissed and unsupported and I always felt like a failure. I sought validation for years and just came to accept that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that made me feel this way. It made me feel lonely and isolated, which harboured more bitterness and self loathing. I struggled socially as a child and felt an enormous inability to communicate with confidence outside of my home. Shy and somewhat withdrawn at times, but what caused it?

My beginning.

My dad always hit his head on the pantry door 
at home when I was a kid. Every time, without fail 
and I could never understand why he never anticipated it. 
I remember it because every time he banged his head 
he shouted “fuck” at the top of his voice. 
He’d go red in the face and he’d be angry. 
I was incredibly aware of the negative 
energy that would emit from him. I'd wonder 
how to avoid being in the way.
I was four years old.

I used to love eating marmalade on toast 
as a four year old. I'd eat it upside down 
so all the marmalade would go on my tongue first! 
But if my dad saw me doing that he'd tell me off. 
It was the same with how I held my knife. He wasn't 
just showing me a different way, 
he was telling me that his way was the only way. 

I now realise that the direct connection between my fathers inability to manage his anger had a direct impact on my own sense of self worth.

In order to be able to understand yourself, you need to look back at how you were parented. The start your parents gave you in life is the bedrock of who you are today, how you cope with stress, how you manage your time, money, the language you use to communicate with others, your self belief and resilience. You may have evolved completely from that starting position. You may have pushed boundaries to exceed your parents expectations. You may have had a really wonderful happy childhood, or one that you’d rather forget, but either way, the start of you and the journey you’re now on, will corelate whether you’d like it to or not.

Psychology plays a big part in parenting and understanding our own triggers is really important to be able to be our best selves for our children.

Have you ever been micromanaged? If so you’ll be reminded of how it left you feeling. If not, its when your manager is constantly telling you how to do your work. There’s a difference between guiding you and telling you how it should be done, whilst critiquing the work that you’ve produced in a really dysfunctional manner that leaves you feeling demoralised, questioning your self worth and damages your confidence in your own ability. It may leave you feeling angry, resentful and stifled. 

The theme of “control” features heavily in this segment, if you hadn’t already identified it. Preventing autonomy in a childs development derails them in so many ways. Their inner voice is supressed, their confidence is hindered and self worth is penalised. Continued outbursts of parental anger damages their self esteem in an environment they should always feel the safest in. They naturally enter a fight or flight position, unable to navigate their sense of safety. The stress hormone Cortisol floods their system and leaves them in a high state of constant alert. The result? They turn into adults with a personality challenge, including but not limited to;

OCD
Poor personal organisational skills
Erratic behaviours
The need for validation
The need to feel in control
Adequacy issues
A people pleaser
Poor tolerance levels
Trust issues
Overly analyse things
Imposter syndrome

So, how can you reframe your own inner position based on what we know?

Relating to the above and being honest with yourself is a key step to improving your own childs behaviour.

Read about how Biology plays a major part in your childs behaviour in my next article.